The Two Kids...

Ann's gallery

Yang's Gallery

Just yesterday, I was quite stumped with the question that was raised during a phone conversation with gale.... Do the kids respect me or fear me? It was pretty hard to answer tho I felt that the fear factor was more. Since young, those kids kind of had a very creepy image of me, since I looked super similar to my younger aunt, who was a qualified 'terrorist' to them (it's a story of karma there...). Anyways, they had the impression that I'm like her, I think... and that illusion kind of carried through for sometime, till maybe now too.

Used to whip out a cane at them, but I pondered if they are scared of me or the cane? Where would be the respect? Then it goes, that I make them stand outside that storeroom door for hours, works a while. And that 'use your eyes to kill the kids' skill, then that 'mighty hand on head' skill. The idea of talking reason to them, that didn't last long when Ann just keep that irritating smiling face when I tried to talk real business with her. Did she understand? Or was that her defence or something? I dunno... I realised my bro caught that 'naggy' talk from me too, which somehow, turned into arrogance at a certain point.

'Kids, you have to understand them' they say. But I don't understand how 'love teachings' can teach a kid to not scream at his parents in the middle of street. Probably I just don't have the patience for that, that I asked Ting to talk to them instead while I'll be the bad woman, who will pick on them for everything, from playing the pc for too long to not putting the used clothes into that washing tub. I make an effort to keep to what I say, even when Ting does something different from what I teach them, I'll just tell her about it and she'll happily cooperate too. I do see my 'terrorism' reaping some results, good and bad. The kids would hastily scramble down from the pc station when they see me at the door, and when they know that I'm not going to school for a day, they let out a long sigh of dissappointment.

Truthfully, I don't know them very well, their inner world, that is. Ting would tell me about the night chats she have with Yang, but as for Ann, her happy-go-lucky attitude seemed to mask many things that both of us could never seem to know, other than maybe, mum. She's ignorant and all smiley on the outside, but smart and clever. If Yang is smart in academic studies, Ann's smart in human behavorial studies, being able to turn situations to her favor, which probably is why Ting had her favourites on Yang. If there was inequality in the home, probably she's one victim herself, with the aunts from Dad's side showering books, toys and knowledge oppurtunities on Yang while Ann have to, at times, ask for what she wants herself forcefully. Sometimes, I felt that little kid being pretty lonely. Occasionally when I'm at the table doing work, she would bring her color pencils and paper to my table and draw, shoving the picture to me after that, smiling brightly. I would ask her what it is about, and she'll try to describe in her own chopped language what they are.

Speaking of which, I wonder if it was drawing that quite puts us together a bit. Or maybe, that's the only respect they have for me, seeing the artworks I churn out, sometimes, they would just crowd around and gasp at the works. After that, they'll start drawing in the living room, and showing those pictures to me upon completion. Probably as a sister, I failed to get the true respect as when I am seen as an artist in their eyes, who is capable of drawing what they are yet to be able to. Yang now keeps his own sketchbook that he doesn't seem to want to show to me but Mr Ho and the Ms Chan of Gradsign. As for Ann, I'll just take whatever she has churned out and keep them in a file that I plan to show her when she's older.

I wonder if any of the two of them would end up going for arts and design fields next time? I dunno... considering mum's way of just letting go after Sec 4, there might be chance of them heading in a similar direction as me... but as usual, they have their own roads to walk next time, I can never be a discipline mistress to them for life... Hopefully there would be a family spirit there always...